I read with interest and empathy today on the BBC of Gemma Dowler – murder victim Milly Dowler’s sister and the legacy of her 13-year-old sister Milly’s murder on her – Gemma’s – life and that of her family. My heart broke for the Dowler family and for Gemma. Here’s the link – https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-44616763
The article about the Dowler family got me thinking however about the deep, deep wounds inflicted by Narcissists, that are often, if not always, invisible and which last a lifetime. I am in no way saying that the murder of a loved one is by any means not the top of the life-time trauma list, what I am saying is that in thinking about the Dowler family and their heart-breaking loss I got to thinking about other more invisible forms of trauma and then my thoughts turned to the wounds Narcissists inflict on others which are largely invisible to the outside world. Hence this blog.
Those who suffer from being in close family relationships with Narcissists – be they parental or spousal or children relationships – have deep, deep wounds which can never be talked about because society does not understand.
Not only does society not understand, it actually does not want to know! Society closes its ears to the abuse dished out by Narcissists and it seems as though Narcissists live a consequence-free life – they do.
In my case – my mother is a Narcissist. She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and now it appears that my sister is a Narcissist too. She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The two of them are in a symbiotic marriage of mutual gain-getting to the detriment of others. They live their lives well, immaculately, with money, lashing out when they don’t get their way – which is never – because their rage is issued forth at the prospect of challenge, and never at not getting their way because they always do.
The pain they have both inflicted on me in my decades of living, goes as follows:-
- they have denied my existence – leaving me with chronic low self-esteem which I have to work on every minute of every day
- they have abused me verbally and physically – but in ways that are impossible to report to the police
- they denied me opportunities in life as a young person – meaning I lived a small life, until I broke free as a teenager, and which under the European Conventions on Human Rights is actually an offense but which can never be proven or prosecuted
- they have denied me money to survive – again see above – impossible to prosecute because I went out and made my own money even as a minor
- in our older years they insist on permanent and constant help – not allowing me a chance to breathe or live my life in a quiet and meaningful way – again not possible to prosecute – an invisible offence. In the UK tenants have more rights than me. A tenant is allowed quiet enjoyment of their place or the landlord can be prosecuted. I am not allowed quiet enjoyment of my home because they are always ringing me asking me to fit in with them and do things for them.
- deep wounds from my childhood which will never heal – no love, no emotional support – again, this is abuse but cannot be prosecuted after the fact, and what child ever knows the full implication of how illegal emotional abuse is – and the fact that they have rights and can do nothing about it.
Sending love to all those suffering,
Miranda Ellis x